i suspect certain people i know in real life might be reading this.
so i'm making some entries friends only and i'm gonna add everyone who adds me.

just add me and i'll return it, no explanations.

went for my daily date with coffee in the queer area of the city (not on purpose, it just happens that my uni is only a few blocks away). i was there sitting with my headphones on and a girl left her group of friends to come talk to me. i was staring at the wall sipping my espresso, and she's like "are you waiting for somebody?" and i said i was alone (kinda nervous, i hate strangers, but i'm becoming better at handling these situations), and she was like shocked, i don't remember her exact words, but it was more or less like "why would you go alone to a bar?" *picks her jaw from the floor*. This shocks me. their shock shocks me. every.single.time. When people learn that i go to the cinema alone, or go to bars, coffee shops, concerts, book conventions, lectures, demonstrations for animal and human rights, clothes shopping, food shopping, etc, i do absolutely everything on my own... people are astonished, and to some degree it makes me feel uncomfortable in my own skin for a few minutes. it makes me wonder am i missing something? am i doing something morally wrong?. but this is my reality, and since it's always like this for me, i rarely think about how odd it might be. when i do give it a thought.. is it sad? sometimes. a lot of times, actually. i dunno. i do hate loneliness, but also i have the horrible ability to feel lonely in crowds, so being with people just for the sake of it is not an option. And i'm not going to stay home just because i have no one to come with me to places, i don't need anybody's attention.


on another note, i can't get over zsa zsa's amazingness. i've watched this episode of cherry bomb three times already in two weeks. for some reason i just skipped it since it came out cause the military is not my cup of tea... but now i'm obsessed!

"el corrector"
i love love love this book. looove.
i have to hand in a 4-page paper tomorrow about 3 novels by Menéndez Salmón. the first book was shit, but the last 2 punched me in the stomach leaving me gasping for air. left me there at the train station staring at the rail with my heart beating in my throat. raw muscle and vein. i ate every word. ate? FEASTED!
i had to run to Marina's bedroom and read passages out loud, she was amazed by the rythm of the sentences, and the beautifully arranged [but not beautiful themselves] words. reminds me of a stylized chuck palahniuk sometimes. 'el corrector' and 'derrumbe' are, indeed, very unique.
I know my teacher is going to hate me even more (yes, it's the one with whom i argue constantly) because i am going to write about how i HATE the first book (which won many important spanish awards in 2007) and i think it's a piece of arrogant crap, and i'll also write about how the two last books (won zero awards) are captivating, and filled me with life in my cold winter nights during this last month.

(there i was a few minutes ago talking to myself on camera about them, so that i can come back to my thoughts after work. the 2 last photos say 'idontwannagotoworksavemeeee')

ps: my camera is at the doctor of cameras right now, i miss her :( they're super busy and it's going to take 2 fuckign weeks to tell me if it can be fixed. after that, IF it can be fixed, it'll take another two weeks. ugh ugh ugh tsk tsk tsk.
spending christmas without a camera is NOT an option, so i'll have to see if i can convince my dad to help me buy a new one, by paying half the prize and me the other half.

after class, took a bus to the beach. i didn't want to go home. no, no drama, just feeling claustrophobic lately. it's burning a hole. the beach looked like montauk. walked to the southern part of the port to spy on the ppl who live in boats. a woman lit candles for dinner on the deck, beautiful. a seagull stared at me dangerously. clearly i look like a fish. i want to live in a boat for a while. there was one called alexandra. one called grandma. another called sunbird, it looked british. did it really come all the way here? i'm screaming for something. is this all? wanting made me weak, now it makes me strong. same longing, different standpoint. same expectations, different attitude. here i am, alive at last. the sun went from yellow to orange. bought two apples from a vendor. 55 cents. ate one. i hate loneliness. an open pigeon on the sidewalk, scattered guts. someone painted the ground with blood and didn't look back. a bride ran from church gate to bridesmaid. i hate marriage. the groom stole a kiss, cute. gay marriage is legal in spain, we're lucky. not gonna use my right anyway. saw a cinema and bought a ticket. 7pm screening. my brain is not so loud in a dark room with strangers.

walking home tonight there was a campfire in the park with people dancing.
me: "Mmmm it smells like when we go camping"
sister: "Yeah, it smells like memories"



( ---+--- )

wednesday. 5'30pm in my side of the world, and i have 4 and a half hours to learn what i should've learnt in 2 months about antonio azorín and miguel de unamuno. i doooon't want to stuudyy!! :( :( i'm procrastinating with irune by uploading songs for her -lol- and also talking vegmanifesto stuff.
the thing is i'm sure i'm gonna fail, because when i'm confident about my exams i usually am glad to spend the last few hours studying (meaning i get into an adrenaline rush); when i find myself avoiding the task it means that deep down i know that any effort will be pointless, so i just make zero efforts so then i can tell myself 'well you failed because you didn't try, if you had you know you would have amazed the teacher, and you don't want to amaze people'... mmmm wtf? my brain will invent any excuse, you see

this is me procrastinating



( el yo agresivo se enfrenta al yo contemplativo )

Idea taken from Constance.
i'm supposed to tag one person. well, i tag EVERYONE on my flist.


I'll show you my heart in eight different ways.


( while i drink my vanilla coffee )

"Have the raw courage to stand out. The great vice of the ages is conformity. The time has come when every individual must rise from the slumber of indifference, from the orthodox complacency of the standard rules and regulations of society, and reach out, pioneering new fields of beautiful, ethical and spiritual progress. It is now time to experience the incredible majesty of living." ~David Wolfe.

i get angry at my own contradictions.
i tell myself nick hornby's words:
"...they're the mistakes of ambition, not of ineptitude"
..figure things out... it's going to take a lifetime.. and i can't wait...

i think it's wonderful that Orianthi is exploding into fame. i myself googled her when i got home after seeing This is it. That talent deserves all the fame in the world, and most importantly, all the jobs in the world; she left me speechless when the movie ended.
I'm in a weird mood and keeping a lot of entries private *sigh* i don't know what to do with myself.
i guess i'll just post a few photos of this week and go lie in bed.
oh and cris and i saw New York i love you, it was nice. and rachel bilson you are cute as hell but you can't act for shit, jfc. i liked shia lebouf's storyline most, and then the story that natalie portman wrote and directed, so sweet.


i got speakers in my room finally

( exhausting week )

post-bath Ron smelling of peach shampoo. sweet messages in my inbox. next door at work adrian playing the titanic song on the xilophone, me leaving the door ajar to hear better. confidences in bed with sister. lack of sleep. i guess it’s two weeks without bread?. my heart in the right place. writing lots of articles and cool stuff. mangas. cristina’s birthday. goth-geek guy in literature class flirting with me, wtf. orange flowers. yellow leaves. french feminism conversations. ambition and creativity. non-conformity. i’m getting fired in june and i’m scared shitless. letting my hair grow. hot showers at 6am. francisco ayala, aged 103, died yesterday at 2pm. we were notified while sitting in spanish literature class and there was a big silence, my teacher stared into space at first and then she started sobbing. "i'm sorry i'm sorry" she kept saying "i just need a few minutes to pull myself together, i can't believe this". i have come to adore her, even if we fight a lot and she is a HORRIBLE teacher. but she's so passionate about what she does that i just cannot dislike her. i started thinking what will happen when jo rowling dies, i will surely cry in public like my teacher. or when professor cristina alsina dies, my mentor in life no longer mentoring me...? that's impossible. some people are immortal.

i also went to the attic and dug amongst the million books that belong to my mother. i have certainly inherited my love for literature from her, and i've found amazing useful material for my classes, so i took it all downstairs. i'm not sure though about how comfortable i feel using her things, sometimes they feel like tom riddle's diary, possessed by my mom's spirit and some soul is going to come out and yell at me "you're a failure of a person!" or something that my mother would say.





ps, my mom isn't/wasn't a communist -lol- in my family we just like to learn about random stuff, and i kind of took it to the next level where i'm obsessive about knowledge :/

These days:
x. Heart-swelling, breath-taking, tear-inducing conversations with Irune until 1am.
x. El Saló del Manga.
x. Walt Whitman & Kant.
x. The Clash & Rancid.
x. International Vegan Day.
x. been feeling passionate, committed, anxious, manic.

i have footage of a million and one things, so i'll divide it all into two posts.

PART I
in which Alex presents to you various randomnesses & Saló del manga.


addicted to coconut water with ginger.

( the nanas invite you in )

haven't even seen gossip girl yet, and it's thursday already. this is what happens when you're an obsessive-compulsive: your life revolves around this one particular thing and it sucks up all of your time and ideas and concentration abilities. so this is what vegmanifesto is doing to me; and it's strange because it's not even hard work, nor do i update every single day, but that doesn't mean my eyes aren't glued to online newspapers, underlined chapters of books in my shelves, lj communities, other blogs... and wait for it... i watched the news last night! :O and it was strange as hell, as though they had told themselves 'Hey Alex is watching us tonight, so we better give her something of her interest'. So first of all there was a halloween block (i was like yaaay fun!), immediately afterwards a block about the little book that the Spanish Association of Parents of Gay People have put together to distribute for free to homophobic (aka lost, scared) parents of gay teenagers, then they talked about bullfighting and whatnots... I was impressed :D oh the synchronicities!

i haven't been reading novels AT ALL. all my books have been left aside, which pains me :/ i'm not in the mood. i do continue to read 2 pages of wuthering heights before going to bed (i was astonished to read cris's post about how she reads a couple of pages of pride & prejudice every day), well there's a reason we are soulmates. but appart from that, i haven't touched a book since late september. currently i'm totally into my teacher Cristina Alsina's anthologies and essay materials <3 i miss her with all my soul. and omg!!! i found her on the internet with photo and everything! i swear i cannot live without her in my life Cristina Goddess Alsina. as you might have noticed i even have her as "my interests" in my profile.

yesterday, in my last class in the evening, the teacher didn't come so there i was alone in the silent classroom, pitch dark outside the cathedralesque windows, with one oldish woman and two guys my age sitting far away. when we realised that no one was coming, the woman turned to me and started a conversation about the missing teacher. i handled it well i think, and then the guys decided they were bored and joined us. they said they didn't understand shit in this subject, and i said something like "Well there's not much to worry about, it's not like we've done a million time periods, we started the Enlightenment in september and we're still in the fucking Enlightenment", and they were totally puzzled; i was like O_O What? and then the blond guy said "Well Alex enlighten us", "mmm what?" i said, scared, "Enlighten us, darling, i don't know what the enlightenment is" and he giggled. the woman said "I don't know anything about it either", and i drowned in astonishment and then pressure and fear. I tried to make up an excuse to leave and started to pack up my things. 1.if this is your 5th year of career as you say it is and you don't even know what the enlightenment is, you are in serious trouble young man; 2.i'm not into being social thank you very much. 3.it's not my responsibility to educate you in this matter; 4.i could be heading home by now and have a nice free evening.
and that's me being a bitch under stress.
i swear i thought i was going to die. and i started to get very angry, whether at them or myself, i don't know. Probably at myself for being so fucking socially akward. Will i never get over this? will i never be brave enough to go for a simple coffee with someone that is not called Cristina Arbués? because later i thought 'What if Cristina Alsina wanted to have coffee with you? would you run away, or die, or grow a pair of ovaries and accept?". One of the reasons i want to become emotionally strong is precisely because i aspire to surround myself with intellectuals, and the ideas of my brain are not enough; i need a stable psychological base first.
So while i was packing, the guys insisted a million times that we should go for coffee and chat. they seemed super nice, and were certainly funny, but i don't know... too much pressure... it could lead to a serious friendship or something :/ yeah i'm stupid like that. i'll have to face them the next day of class, and i'm nervous as hell. i don't want them calling my name. the internet is totally fine, but real life is a different thing completely.

on a brighter note, i can't waaaaiiiiit for tomorrow! (el saló del manga!) and then saturday halloween! oh the fun we will have :)






( this is called 'eat and lose the make up' )

hating convention
hating pretention



i love early mornings sfm.
i made those raw cookies last night. i don't like pumpkin (cooked or raw or anything) but my body screams PUUUMPKIIIN every october, always, it's weird how i can eat something i dislike just cause it suits my autumnal mood. next time i'll drop the pumpkin part and work with the rest of things i used (all kinds of seeds [pumpkin, sunflower, flax]) plus raisins and sticky dates. it's some kind of granola thing.

( ... )

woke up to a fucking scary fog in the street. this is something you can only experience if you're an early riser like me :) i stared at the spooky scene, astonished, and then decided that the window was an inconvenience, so i wrapped myself in a blanket and went out to the balcony. it was so strange, like the clouds were underneath my feet.




Writer's block: Which character from any film, television show, or book would you most like to take on a date and why?

Collins from Rent. Even though he's not my favourite character (Angel & Mimi are), romantically speaking only Collins attracts me, both personality and physique, and we'd talk about computer age philosophy and anarchism ad nauseam.
Tasha Williams from the l word. Quiet, hot as hell, her laugh is to die for... the hottest person on the show in my opinion, even more than Shane.
Harry Potter, because he's just perfect. The personality I'm looking for, be it man or woman or neither or both.
I have lots of crushes on fictional characters from every area (films, books, tv, musicians), but just because i'm attracted to them on a physical level it doesn't necessarily mean that I want to go on a date with them and actually TALK. I only feel like talking with those 3 i mentioned.


ps: i'm scared shitless of my spanish literature class. since i kind-of-argued with my teacher a couple of weeks ago, i haven't gone to class.
the main problem here is that i don't understand shit about spanish literature. and you'll tell me 'but aren't you spanish?' well yes, but that doesn't mean i give a shit about my country's authors. Ask me anything you want about english-speaking authors, from sir gawain to percy shelley to chuck palahniuk. i DIE for english literature. i feel that the spanish, on the other hand, is completely unrelated to my persona; sure i live here, but you'll see me reading jane austen (in english) in the bus, not antonio azorín.

i've been quite centered and stable lately.
negative events entered my brain, were processed quietly, and then i just let them go. the most difficult thing in the world for me to do is to forgive myself; even for things i'm not even involved with. i tell myself 'you are enough', sometimes i believe it, sometimes i don't. but more and more each month, i realise that the moments of faith have started to outnumber the ones in which my brain tears myself down.

in omnia paratus.

i live by it, so far.




( pics )

trying to get myself into the writing frenzy i need.
people might think that charlie is my alter-ego and her siblings
are... made up. In fact,
i am the four of them put together.
they are me in a split form.
woke up at 6'30 cause it felt like rain was tapping my head, it's 7'30 right now.
there's a storm outside, lightning and all, my favourite :)
my vanilla latte is hot and warms my hands. by the time i
go to work i'll be smelling of vanilla all over. mmmm walking under
the rain with big boots and vanilla in the air... niiiiice